rivers2cross

Who would have thought that before Mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2012 that I would end up writing three books, jumped out of a plane, sold hundreds of cuddly toys, t-shirts, mugs, art, and released music too. There was extra significance with The Record, as although I always wanted to do a third book, I knew within days of Mum’s death that I had to begin it there and then. With hindsight I perhaps didn’t foresee the cost of doing this to my mental health, but on the other hand there were also significant positive benefits too.

One of my coping mechanisms for grief is to keep busy. Perhaps it’s my way of not just protecting myself, but also how not to cope with and face up to the loss. I would always say that doing the book was a very cathartic experience, because it did allow me to talk about Mum, and the kindness and support shown to me by the 60+ people who took part in the book was something that I will always treasure. Ultimately though taking almost three years to complete the book was perhaps a mistake. For my own sake that was a long long time to have this thing that I held so dearly to me driving me on, and with it the inevitable pressure that I put upon myself. To be fair over those three years I was still meeting people for it on average about twice a month, so it was just a lot of work. I think 18 months would have been a better timescale, and that would also have had the advantage of the chapters not becoming too out of date. The book was always meant to be a snapshot in time in these people’s lives, but a lot still changed over the course of three years.

The biggest problems were after the book’s publication in 2019. Firstly, after having had something that I spent so much of my time working on and pretty much living with me for all that time, now that was suddenly gone and it felt like my crutch had been taken away from me. Also I’d come to hope, and to be fair, believe that it would be a big success, building on and surpassing what the previous Lives & Times book had achieved. When that didn’t materialise I was crushed, and it took me a long time to come to terms with it and understand the reasons why. In my mind I thought that a book dedicated to Mum was going to be huge. In retrospect it was never going to be able to achieve or live up to my high expectations. The pattern of buying across the board from family, friends and the wider public was well below that of Lives & Times. What I failed to appreciate was that many people had bought Lives & Times to support me, and weren’t just going to buy another book or indeed every fundraising item that I put up. To be fair these fundraising projects were coming thick and fast. Timing, as well, worked slightly against me as the pandemic put paid to my hopes of taking the book to events.

There’s no doubt that this has all played a big part in my mental health problems that came to a head last year. It has taken me a long time to let go of the book and also to really appreciate its purpose again and what I have achieved with it. I now regard it as the best thing I have have ever done. I am so so proud of the book and what it stands for as far as raising awareness about bowel cancer. It’s a fitting book created in memory of a wonderful mum x The support for it was wonderful and I’m so grateful to everyone who has bought a copy. I will always be incredibly grateful to the many many people who took part in the book and told me their stories. Sadly the “other” Deborah James died before the book was published, and since it came out we have lost the wonderful Kelly Smith and the incredible Greg Gilbert x

Whether its “imposter” author has another book in him remains to be seen, but there is little I would change and would do it all over again in an instant! Until tomorrow x