rivers2cross

Last Autumn I reached a pretty low point. Thankfully I sought professional help and I am now in a much happier place and feel that I am moving in the right direction. It’s interesting looking back as many of the problems that got on top me remain, but my mindset is now totally different and I have also embraced a small daily prescribed dose of Sertraline.

Last year the fact that I am single felt like a real milestone dragging me down and making me incredibly lonely and unhappy. Here I am almost a year on still single with my last date being over 3 years ago, and yet I feel pretty good about myself. Gone are the feelings of self loathing and not being good enough for anyone. I’m an ok kind of guy with plenty to give the future Mrs D when she materialises (she is staying well hidden 🤣). I will concede that I am not very good at the whole dating thing, but get me past the first couple of dates and I am not too bad 😂

A year ago I was very close to packing up the fundraising. I wasn’t enjoying it and was putting myself under all kinds of pressure to achieve targets etc. I had completely lost focus of why I was doing it and the positive elements to what it was achieving. That has all changed thankfully, and this year has been such a special year for the fundraising, and the experiences I have had and the friendships I have made have been life-changing. These projects like some of the teddy bears can come out of sad circumstances, but seeing how people have embraced them and supported them has been truly amazing. Meeting Monique Buckingham earlier this year is going to be hard to beat. A young lady going through stuff that pretty much none of us could ever understand or fully appreciate. Yet, in spite of everything she goes through she remains just the most wonderful soul x I’m re-energised as far as the fundraising goes and I am so grateful for all the support I continue to receive.

For me, closely associated with the fundraising has been bereavement. I know and now understand just how much throwing myself into the fundraising after Mum died was a coping mechanism. I would do the same again, but I also now know that once I finished writing The Record I was suddenly left with a big void and realised that I hadn’t really allowed myself to grieve or come to terms with losing mum properly. I have now started this process and it has made such a difference to how I go about living every day.

So it’s all good and I am thankful for all the friendships and support I have had along the way these last few months. I also have found some sense of perspective, as compared to many I know in the bowel cancer community my stuff is pretty trivial, so I appreciate the utter shit that many special people are contending with every single day. This does not mean I don’t also think any less of my own life and its problems. I am very aware that my issues are very much still work in progress. I want to make the most of every day, live my life to the full and try to be happy… I’m not there yet, but perhaps I have made some real progress this year x