rivers2cross

I thought it was about time, especially regarding my mental health issues, to write down a little bit about my relationship with alcohol. I think over the last few months I have been able to process lots of things and I’m sure this includes why I felt the need to get obliterated every weekend from aged 19 to 31. Did I have a drink problem? Perhaps that is for others to comment on…

I’ve been a very changed person for the last 25 years, and I’m very much a social drinker these days. Well barely that now, as I haven’t had a drink in over 18 months. I haven’t given up, but especially during the pandemic there seemed little point in drinking and I hate hangovers so much, especially if I have to work, so I just haven’t bothered. When the right occasion comes along I am looking forward to enjoying something alcoholic, and that could be tomorrow or it could be in years… Sharing a bottle of wine could be the winning formula, so all applicants get in touch x

I’ve come to realise that during my teens I really became incredibly shy, and suffered from a total lack of self confidence. I’m sure that school played a big part in how this came about, but the effects of this period have stayed with me all my life in varying degrees. Getting “leaking kidneys” aged 16 was perhaps the final nail in my coffin, as it played a big part in me mucking up my A Levels, and meant I didn’t get to go to university. Even a year later when I had the chance to go to North London Polytechnic I didn’t have the courage to go for it.

Then came alcohol and more than that drinking to black out and total memory loss. One of the the first times it happened was at a party in the aptly named Pishill! I woke up the next day with my pvc tie in two pieces by my bed and absolutely no recollection of what had happened or how I got home. Suddenly I had discovered a way where the shyness evaporated and the loneliness was drank out of my head for a few hours. What’s more it was bloody good fun. I’m not going to lie as I had some of the best times of my life.

However, I never knew when to stop. When we cleared out Mum’s house after she died I found an old drinking log where I tried to keep tally of how much I was drinking. Over a 2 year period I was drinking over 100 units (50 pints) every week. I used to have this rule where I would say that I wasn’t responsible for anything that happened after 10.00 as I would never be able to remember it.

It was like a game to me, and I was a spectator on my own self as much as friends were. The sober me and the drunk were two very different people. Over the years friends gradually met their partners and began to settle down and have families, and I didn’t see it happening, or perhaps chose to ignore it. Alcohol did me no favours when it came to dating. I could never remember who I met, and when I did go out on a follow up sober date it was usually a disaster as the sober me wasn’t interested and to be fair they were never interested in the sober me either. It was a vicious circle as it just made me go more and more towards the drunk Tim. As far as the drinking went I felt pretty much invincible.

Eventually something had to give and December 1997 was that moment. I was having a very big night at The Bull in Sonning. After hours and drinking whiskey chasers. Interestingly most people who had been there earlier went off to a party which I hadn’t been invited to and of course if I needed any excuse to get hammered then that gave me the perfect reason. Eventually the bar staff put me into a taxi, but it appears after only 50 yards I stopped the taxi and wanted to get. Unsurprisingly the taxi driver was not best pleased and drove off while I was still getting out. I fell and knocked myself out when I headbutted the pavement. It is the small hours and minus temperatures and I had just a going out shirt on. Fortunately my friend Paul who was working at the pub happened to see me lying comatose when he left the pub and called an ambulance. I had smashed my face quite badly breaking my nose and smashing a couple of teeth. It was a life-changing moment as I came to realise that I wasn’t indestructible after all, and suddenly I was scared of what alcohol could do to me (I feel that way to this day). It was time for me to call time on being the drunken clown.

One of big problems of sobering up was I had no social skills. I was always used to being off my head in social situations, and suddenly this sober guy had to literally start from scratch. To be frank I wasn’t very good at it. I also tried my hand at online dating and although I seemed to be able to get the dates, when it came to real life meet ups I wasn’t very good at it. It has always been a source of frustration and only intensified my loneliness. The other thing I now realise is that because the alcohol had supressed a lot of my anxiety and loneliness I now had all this stuff coming to the fore and no way of coping with it very well apart from trying to bury it. That was why seeking help last autumn was such an important step for me.

The one thing that has helped me reverse the trend somewhat, has been the fundraising. If Mum left me with one thing / a parting gift etc it was doing this stuff for the last 10 years. When it came to meeting people (lots of celebrities) for my books I knew that if I didn’t engage then I wouldn’t get the best out of them, so I finally had to make the scary effort of talking to people. It has changed my life for the better in so many ways.

I am not the finished article, and some days I can be as shy and quiet as I ever was. I still hate being single and on my own, but I have a level of acceptance about all that. Not that I haven’t given up hope of meeting someone. The future Mrs D must be out there somewhere? But I am now a very different person. In 1997 when I sobered up I had no idea who the real Tim was. I have finally found myself and learned to like myself. I am not perfect, but I try my best to be a decent and kind person.

If you have read this far well done for staying with me. I am sure in time I might have more to say on some of the things I have touched on here. What I can say for now is in 2022 I am very happy in my own skin, and feel I am now open to all the possibilities that this world presents. Living for the moment and knowing that I don’t have to hide behind alcohol or pretend to someone who I am not. I am either liked or not liked based on my true self xx