rivers2cross

One of my biggest challenges over the last year has been to start liking myself again. Plagued by self-doubt for many years and a sense of failing at the core life basics. Living on my own and working on my own gave me plenty of time to allow these thoughts to manifest and get out of control. I am blessed with amazing family and friends, and since I began fundraising almost 10 years ago I made so many wonderful new friendships as a result. Yet, I was still able to be really self-critical and hard on myself.

Looking back on stuff now I am much better able to understand how my mindset worked. I left school underachieving academically and went straight into the family business, where I remain to this day. I have perhaps never given myself enough credit for keeping the business going, especially in the years since Dad died. I perhaps tended to focus on a perception that I would never be able to switch careers if the business closed and that my professional career has not been fulfilling.

Perhaps my biggest problem was always how I felt about relationships. Perhaps the one area of my life where I have failed miserably. The guy that everyone likes but no-one fancies. The hours and hours of running it all through my mind would lead me to come to the conclusion that if people didn’t see me as someone to fall in love with, then how I could I love myself. I came to regard myself as failure and it was a rather bleak hole I dug for myself. Some of the friendships that have slipped have led to me really giving myself a hard time. If people don’t like me then how can I like myself… I had got to the stage where I felt guilty about laughing and feeling happy…

Last October I finally sought help and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Finally I was able to cut myself some slack and with the help of anti-depressants and CBT sessions I began to understand the triggers and also rebuild myself. Perhaps most importantly I started to understand that the problems I had were deep rooted and went back many years. By opening up and talking about it, I released so much of the anxiety and gloom that was stuck inside me.

10 months on and I am a very different and changed person. It’s work in progress and I have a long way to go. I have let go of the self-critical thoughts and have focussed much more on the positives. There was a time when I would regularly experience anxious and very low periods with that dark cloud hanging over my head. I’ve learnt to accept that there are some things in life that I have no control over and now instead of allowing the triggers to spiral downwards I am learning to cope so much better. Loneliness has always been close by in my adult life. It’s perhaps more and more likely that I will remain single, but at the same time I am very fortunate to have so many amazing people in my life.

So when I look at the phrase in the photo, I am looking at myself. I think I am learning to be kind to myself 24/7 and it doesn’t have to be massive changes, just doing those ordinary things for myself and others with a sense of love attached to it. Even the fundraising, which I was losing the connection for a year ago, is now something so fulfilling and rewarding and has the most positive impact on my life.

Anyway I am waffling now, and I have no idea how much of this ramble will make sense to anyone who takes the time to read it. I am a pretty decent human being and that is reason enough to be content and like myself for. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others ❤