rivers2cross

Avert your gaze from the public water pump in Sonning-on-Thames, and look at the stony wall instead. This is the scene where, 25 years ago in December 1997, I got out of a moving taxi and fell into this wall breaking my nose, and smashing the cap on one of my front teeth, and basically knocking myself out. I ended up in hospital, and it could have been a whole lot worse if my friend Paul Way hadn’t spotted me lying unconscious on this pavement in the early hours in sub zero temperatures. He called an ambulance and I spent a long and painful night in hospital and once I began to sober felt pretty dismal not to mention ashamed of myself…

It was a defining moment for me, as it brought to an end my years of drinking to oblivion every Friday and Saturday night. I have no real recollection of this incident as I would invariably black out when drinking, but it happened after a late night lock-in at The Bull where I was once part of the furniture! I have vague recollections of the actual impact as I didn’t get my hands out to stopped myself falling, so my face took all the impact!

At my worst I was drinking at least 100 units a week. Fridays and Saturdays were massive, Sundays were pretty big, especially in the summer when I was playing cricket and Tuesdays and Thursdays were topping up nights. I would always say that after 10.00pm. Such was my tolerance to alcohol that when I went in to hospital to have the broken nose reset it took three doses of anaesthetic to knock me out.

Something had to give, and as painful as the episode was, it finally got the message home to me, and if I am being really honest scared the hell out of me. I used to think that I was indestructible when it came to drinking, but I suddenly realised that I had come pretty close to pretty dire consequences. I have spent the last 25 years pretty sober and avoiding the big nights out. As a result, I have been labelled by some as boring, certainly compared to the old drinking me, but I wonder if that person would still be here now if he hadn’t pulled the plug on it. I recently did 21 months without touching a drop. I still find it hard to be sober in a drinking environment, and the shyness and anxiety that alcohol used to disguise is never too far away. However, I have managed to come out of my shell in the last decade, especially due to the fundraising and the amazing people I have met through it.

I think the lesson is when you have had too much to drink, and the bar staff kindly put you in a taxi to take you home, don’t try and get out of it while it is still moving, as the outcome is painful, and a wonky nose!

I’ve spent many years trying to work out what made me do it. I think being incredibly shy was one reason. Loneliness also played a part. A complete lack of self confidence. I also believed that people liked that me more than the sober me. Of course the other thing was that I really enjoyed doing it and had some quite brilliant times. What I failed to take on board was that one by one my friends were settling down and getting married and I was getting left behind. After I stopped I realised that there was very little of me left and that I was a complete shadow of my former self. There’s no doubt in my mind that the drinking is a big element that contributed to my loneliness, anxiety and depression.

These day I can enjoy a drink without feeling the need to drink myself under the table. In fact I think sharing a bottle of wine with someone is the quite perfect way to enjoy a drink. No that I have done that for a few years…