rivers2cross

Autumn three years ago… I sought help for my mental health issues. It was something that I could have done at almost any point during my adult life, but I had never been able to summon up the courage. After a particularly difficult period three years ago, I finally rang my doctor. I was put on Sertraline and I self-referred to Talking Therepies. The image below is a paragraph that I wrote prior to my first session.

When I look back now to October 2021 when I sought help for my anxiety and depression, it’s amazing how far I have come. It wasn’t easy as no-one, not even those close to me, had any idea of my struggles. I presumed that I had been carrying on as normal on social media back then and hiding how I was feeling. Actually though, I went very quiet on social media for a couple of months while I slowly got round to telling people about my struggles. No surprise that to start with I didn’t find this very easy. When I made contact with Talking Therapies I had to write down in my own words what I felt was wrong. I felt extremely uncomfortable doing this and the above screenshot is the few lines that I was able to write down. It’s not much, but it was a small but very important start. Three years later and I am now able to talk honestly and openly about it. I can talk about my struggles in so much more greater detail, as people who follow me on social media will know. I have also been able to reflect and uncover some of the core issues of depression and anxiety that I now know I have been living with since my teenage years.

Social anxiety is still a big challenge. I find making the first move and putting myself out there difficult. I don’t like making phone calls, and I still worry about what people think about me. Once I get over this first hurdle I am ok though. So, I try very hard not to allow myself to be consumed by the anxiety. I have made good progress with the depression. I managed to stop taking the Sertraline i February this year and I’ve not really felt the need to go back on it. I think a key factor in depression was being able to start liking myself again and having much more self-esteem. It’s always work in progress of course.

One of the issues at the very core of my issues has always been lonliness. This goes right back to my teens. Over the last three years I have really been able to come to terms with this and understand it so much better. It goes right back to my school days, although some of my very best friends are from those school days. I think it was more about me becoming very introverted, shy and lacking confidence. I never knew what I wanted to do in life and still dont to be fair! All this also played a big part in my inability to have any long term serious relationships with the opposite sex. At times this has made me feel desperately lonely. I have not found any answers to this. I’d still love to meet someone and feel I have so much to give the right person, but I have begun to prepare myself for the very real possibilty now that I might well not happen. I don’t allow it dominate my every waking hour though, but I do allow it to have its place, which I think is a good coping mechanism.

I have been very blessed to have made some wonderful friendships over the last decade. Some through the fundraising and some through the music of The Alarm. Next week I go to North Wales for a week of live music with Mike Peters of The Alarm. My first week off work for 25 years aside from the week at Christmas, and I will meeting up with many of these friends I have made. I must admit that the loss of one or two of my friendships in recent years has been hard to deal with mentally. I do look hard at myself and blame myself and it has taken a real effort at times to be kinder on myself. It has also been hard to meet the new friends I have made on social media in the bowel cancer community. There’s no doubt in my mind that the change in direction from Bowel Cancer UK from hosting public events to online events has been a major factor in this. I am having to think about the way I could meet people in real life now… Maybe just ask them?

Over the last 12 years I have had a great outlet with the fundraising. However, I have also been aware that it can be a little overwhelming at times and I do tend to pout myself under too much pressure. So, during 2024, I have made real strides in changing this. After the release of the Destination Unknown album from Fields of Dawn at the beginning of the year, I took a step back and realised that I was pushing myself way too hard and also that bombarding social media with endless posts was not perhaps doing me any favours. Since then I have stepped back and looked after my own mental health much better. I have done a couple of successful cuddly toy projects without putting myself under as much pressure. At the moment I have a new Fields of Dawn acoustic album about to be released, and I have done things very differently with this one. A lot more low key and most importantly I have dramatically reduced my up front financial outlay which has been a great help in reducing the pressure. Hopefully this will help me to continue to do the fundraising for a while longer x

One other thing that I have found really helpful is finally finding a new interest outside the fundraising. I now am a DJ! I host a weekly one-hour radio show on Mixcloud. Rivers2Cross Radio started in January, and I’m really enjoying it. I’m learning all the time and recently made the switch from pre-recording the show to now doing it live, and overcoming some anxiety at the same time.

Overall, I feel I am doing so much better these days. I will continue to be open about my mental health. There is never going to be a magic fix for me. It’s all about working on the core issues, being kind to myself and knowing that there will always be bad days, but hopefully a lot more good days than bad!