rivers2cross

On World Mental Health Day here is my own recent personal experience. By coincidence it was on this week one year ago when I first called the doctor’s surgery to seek help. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was put on Sertraline and had a course of CBT sessions. The Sertraline has been a game changer and has helped balance my head space and as a result the rollercoaster ride I had been on has been a lot calmer. The CBT sessions gave me the tools to work on my mindset and I feel better able to cope when issues now arise. There is no quick fix, and I am on a long road to recovery.

Over the last year I have managed to reflect on where my problems began. I believe there are a number of factors, but in essence began during my teenage years at school. A kidney illness knocked me back physically, but I also believe mentally and left me lacking in confidence and having no idea what I wanted to do in life. I remember dad taking me to a careers evening and me not feeling able to talk to any of the people there offering advice. I’ve had a fulfilling and rewarding career in the family business (now just me on my own) but I think I’ve always had regrets going all the way back for not pushing my potential. I also think working on my own day in day out has not been great for my mental health.

Loneliness has been something I’ve learnt to live with over many years. Linked to my lack of confidence and becoming a shy teenager. This has meant that I have found making new friendships difficult as I am a slow starter. Once I make friends, they are usually rock solid though. However, as far as relationships go it has proved almost impossible for me to have any joy on that front. Girls that I’ve dated never get to see the real me and by the time that side of me comes out it is too late, and my chance has gone. This has added to my depression over the years and also led to issues of lack of self-worth and not even liking myself at times.

Bereavement is something that I have struggled with. Losing Dad who I worked with every day for over 25 years was massive blow. Keeping myself busy was my coping mechanism which worked well, but I also blanked out a lot of stuff which made it hard for me to remember him the way I wanted to. With Mum the fundraising was my way of coping. It was cathartic, of that I am sure. However, on the flip side it meant that I never allowed myself the space to grieve. I began work on my last book, The Record, within days of her death. It took me 3 years to complete, which in hindsight was way too long and I really struggled after I published it. Firstly because once that was over I was left with nothing there to replace it with. Also, as I had lost focus of why I do and enjoy doing the fundraising. I thought that The Record had failed to achieve as much as it could have done. Looking back now I firmly believe that as a piece of work it is perhaps the thing, I am most proud of doing in my whole life.

So, a year ago I had reached the point where I needed to accept that I was struggling and needed some help and support. No-one would probably have had much of an idea how much I was struggling or indeed known there was a problem. I might have perhaps been a little snappy and irritable, but for the most part I kept things mostly to myself. Even telling family and friends filled me with dread initially, and I still usually write about this stuff in a blog than write it as a social media post.

The last 12 months have been a lot better. I have made real progress with bereavement and am finally fully coming to terms with the loss of the parents. I have a better opinion of myself and who I am. I am so much better balanced, and I have really enjoyed the fundraising and it continues to bring so many amazing people into my life and new friendships as a result. I haven’t made any progress as far as relationships go, but by working on my general happiness, the feelings of loneliness have subsided and don’t have the same impact on my mental health as before. It’s a case of trying live in the present, accepting that I can’t change anything that is past, and that all my tomorrows are blank pages for me to live life any way that I choose.

If anyone reading this is thinking of getting help, I would urge you to do it. Sometimes we can’t fix ourselves without a little bit of help. Call your GP today. I also appreciate for some the every day issues are way more challenging that I have experienced and solutions may seem a long way off, but I still urge you to seek out help and support x