rivers2cross

Over the last three years since my diagnosis for depression and anxiety, I have made huge strides in piecing together where it all comes from. Interestingly, I believe that part of my issues lies with lack of confidence, lack of self esteem, and if I am honest, not just from rejection itself, but believing rejection to be my normal. As a result this has always led me to have a somewhat negative outlook on my future.

Rejection.. Such an awful thing to experience and something, that for me, has had long lasting implications on who I am and where I am in life with the resulting loneliness playing a major role. Yes, to a large extent I am talking about relationships, or more the lack of them, but also to some extent I am also talking about friendships. Over the last 40 years there have been a handful of occasions, where in my head at least, rejection both romantically and as a friend has struck at my very core. I have come to expect it now and I don’t think I now have a bone in my body which tells me to be brave and ask the question, as everything is telling me I will be rejected. Is there a solution to this? I am not sure there is if I am honest.

I have loads of amazing friends and in fact as a result of Mum’s bowel cancer and my fundraising, I have made so many great new friendships in recent years. I know that this is so important as I move forward to balance out the negatives. I feel very blessed and value all these new found friendships very highly, they mean the absolute world to me x

Do I know why I am rejected? Not really… I think when it comes to dating, I have always been the guy that girls like, but as a friend… The trouble is, because I am hopeless at reading people I end up hoping to go down one route, whereas the reality is always a very different route.

Rejection in friendships is always more complex. Once again not being able to read people presents problems. There must be an element of people changing the way they feel about me and pulling back. Of course some friendships can drift and sometimes it takes both sides to keep friendships healthy, so perhaps in some cases I have to take my share of the blame. What I would say though is I never end friendships and tend to be on the receiving end of the decision. I usually don’t see the signs so by the time it happens it’s too late for me to do anything about it.

However retuning to love and relationships, there is fire burning brightly deep within me. I have so much inside that I want to give someone. I see my myself in a state of lockdown and I just need to find someone who sees through the barriers I put up and can literally shine a bright light onto my future. I know that it probably won’t come knocking at my door though, and I have to put myself out there. Not so easy to do when rejection screams out at me… It’s now been over 5 years since I last went out on a date!

Look at the image… That small circle needs to grow and become a much bigger part of my future.

It’s a bit of a confused ramble I know, but I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but without putting it all over social media. So if you have come across this post you are probably one of a select few x