rivers2cross

Over the course of the last ten years there have been the inevitable highs and lows as far as the fundraising goes, although many more highs thankfully. If one project during that time can illustrate pretty everything that was going on inside my head then it was the writing of The Record, my third and most recent book, which was published on June 21^st, 2019.

The book took almost three years to complete, with work beginning on it shortly after Mum died on August 29^th, 2016. As Mum’s health declined, I knew I wanted to do another book, but I was also aware that it was not quite as simple as that. The previous book, Lives & Times had been incredibly successful, so well received and brilliantly supported. There will always be the question in my mind as to whether I should have called it quits on the writing there and then on such a high. Or perhaps at least given myself a little more time to come to terms with losing Mum before coming to a decision.

However, once I began work on The Record, everything else was put to the back of my mind. I threw myself into it with enthusiasm and energy, and it was such a cathartic experience. I had found something so positive for me to focus on during a time of great sadness. I met so many amazing people, both the famous and the not so famous. At the very heart of the book were those people from the cancer community, who were just the most supportive and lovely people. Sadly, a few of those beautiful souls are no longer with us now x

Once the book was published the many highs and positives associated with it began to be undone, in my head at least, by the negatives. Firstly, as cathartic as it had been writing the book, I hadn’t given myself any time to grieve properly. I had kept my mind so busy and then once the book came out, I was suddenly faced with this massive loss. Almost three years after Mum’s death I didn’t know how to grieve, or at least where to begin. Also, I had worked so hard on the book, and when sales didn’t really take off, I struggled to make sense of that. In hindsight, I should have known that Lives & Times really was a once off very special moment in time, and an impossible book to follow. However, that’s not to say that I have not been anything other than immensely proud of The Record. It brought some very special people into my life, and that alone was worth the effort. Also, it did end up raising £1000 for Bowel Cancer UK which is something I am incredibly proud about.

Perhaps the one other thing that The Record gave me in the long run was the courage to face up to my own mental health issues. The anxiety, depression, loneliness, and bereavement issues. Some of these had been there for years, but it was only a year or so ago that I sought help. I believe that if I hadn’t written The Record, I would probably have never done anything about my mental health and still be in pretty dark place to this very day.

However, for most of the last ten years, the fundraising has been hugely enjoyable and positive. There is little that I would change about any of it. Obviously, losing Mum is one thing that I would change if it were possible x But other than that, not much. To have been blessed with making so many friendships through the fundraising really is something so very special. I feel incredibly blessed. The changes to me as a person are huge. It has absolutely changed my life in so many ways, but I’ve still away to go yet on my own journey.

The fundraising doesn’t stand still. The cuddly reindeer are back for Christmas on the website alongside all the teddy bears. This Friday sees the Christmas music release coming out, with the “Reflections” digital EP supporting Bowel Cancer UK, Love Hope Strength and The Bowel Movement. So, whilst I continue to reflect on ten years of fundraising this month, there is still plenty of stuff happening in the here and now x